Fly

Dare to fly.

I just found out a random interesting fact. The biosphere the have in Arizona (?). Initially the trees were dropping their fruit almost as soon as they started producing. The branches were breaking, not able to sustain the weight of the fruit. They did research and found that in the dome, there was no wind. Nothing to push the branches and build strength enough for them to be able to sustain the weight of the fruit.

So maybe when you are in a situation or meet someone that is pushing you or that you disagree with, maybe it is meant to build strength in you or maybe you are meant to build strength in them.

Mom's are that way sometimes as well. Although they may nudge or push at us, would we be as strong without them.

To all those celebrating mother's day, Happy thoughts. To those for whom mother's day is not a celebration, may the love around you embrace you.

Circular arguements

It is discouraging the amount of red tape there is in education. The bad apple syndrome is in full effect. Because so many people have taken advantage of situations in momentous ways, those of us who are striving to better ourselves, encourage our students and go above and beyond the job are met with resistance.
I want to stay where I am (middle school) and help a colleague (high school) while they are achieving higher education. We've come up with a plan that will meet all the administrators needs and even enrich our student's education with team teaching, yet the fear of "opening the door" to others who might take advantage of a similar situation has become a wall in our way. Please send positive thoughts that will allow our admin to have faith in us and our ability to accomplish what we have set as our goals.
I am getting discouraged, not in my children and the amount of effort and encouragement they need at times, but with all the other baggage that comes with teaching. It is beginning to squash my passion and desire to keep trying to make a difference.

Humility

This week for me has been a lesson in humility. Just when I'm feeling confident in my job & very self-assured about what I am doing and how I am doing it... *smack*... huge mistake that was totally a lack of humility. Thinking that I had already done something and not bothering to double check. 

I have always wondered if I could "have a life" and still be good at my job. Well, in my quest to "have a life", I dropped the ball in my job. This, however, has not detoured me from having interests outside of my job, I just see the fulcrum now, i guess. I see where being very organized (not necessarily neat, cause that'll take a while) will help me keep that balance and leave things at school so I can have a life outside off school/work. 

So now with a more humble approach, I set off to make the rest of this school year excellent, all 5 weeks of it. Trying to keep my mouth shut, my eyes & ears more open, with this goal in mind head into an insanely busy summer that if it works out well, should be fun, exhausting and educational.

stressed

I do not remember feeling this stressed ever. My choir competition is this week and my top choir seems apathetic. They were fine last week, energized & focused. How do you fix apathy? I am pretty bubbly, encouraging, and upbeat, others have called me charasmatic. But what do you do with people who work really hard and then quit 2 feet before the finish line? AHHHHH!

I don't understand this mentality. And on top of this my accompanist has me worried - which is never good. She says she'll be fine, but having the music for a month and it sounds like that...

I am praying for a miracle. If they do what I know they are capable of, we will be awesome...
Maybe it's not a miracle I'm really praying for, maybe it's divine intervention in their lives to give them hope and aspirations and take away the fear of failure.

Send good thought my way.

This is just to say

I was listening to the last podcast of "This American Life". The theme that week was people apologizing without really apologizing. I've experienced my share of that as a teacher as I am sure most parents have experience with their own children. I've even reverted to questioning the apology given - stating that if they were really sorry for their behavior, they would change their negative or inappropriate behavior. I digress...

They ended the episode sharing some poetry based off the William Carlos Williams poem, "This is Just to Say" (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15535)

There were 2 that struck me specifically.

 

One was by Andrew Vechionie, "Sorry, but it was beautiful"

Sorry I took your money and burned it,

But it looked like the world falling apart when it crackled and burned.

So, I think it was worth it,

After all, you can't see the world fall apart everyday.

The other was by Shalome Oushlander

He was a trouble maker, okay?

And didn't know when to shut up.

Still, we wouldn't have killed him had we known he was the Lord.

Rainy day growing

It has been raining & storming for 2 days, which is unusual for this part of Texas. I love days like these - staying inside reading or walking around outside during the breaks and soaking in the moisture. For some reason, it makes me feel peaceful inside. And my garden really loves it.

It's amazing a the difference a week makes. Last week, I wasn't so sure things were going to survive. After checking on them today - most have doubled in size and produced flowers. I am very hopeful. There are some that don't look like they are doing well, but I'm trying to grow some plants that I have never tried before. So it's kind of trial and error.

However, my roses are doing well. I gave 4 to colleagues at school and was asked what kind of rose it was. I have no idea. Any thoughts would be helpful.

From cooking to friendships, who knows...

Got the thoughts under control - went for a long walk with my dogs.

So a little more history...

I love to cook - especially for others. However, I haven't always been good at it and after a friend asked
"Did your mother do all the cooking growing up?"
"No, why?"
"Well, you have to try really hard at this don't you?"

Well, needless to say, I gave up cooking for a year. So I did my research, started paying attention to cooking shows, and reamerged a better cook. In addition, I have planted a large garden this year (my 3rd year in a row)and alas, nothing is ready except the herbs. I was inspired to go meatless for dinner as a health experiment and see what happens if I cut meat out of one meal a day. I'm definately not able to make vegetarian, but committed to try to consume less. Made a combo of penne pasta, peas, carrots, olive oil (of which I am becoming a snob about), and fresh herbs from my garden (basil, oregeno, & lemon thyme). I truly enjoy cooking for myself and at times find it very relaxing. I even have certain movies that I watch when I'm undertaking a true meal (chocolate, como agua para chocolate) But the process of making the meal got me thinking that I miss an old ritual that some college buddies and I began randomly.

It started just getting together and watching a movie or playing a game to save money on going out. It turned into "dinner & a movie" night that we rotated once a month (or so depending on schedules). At first the dinners were simple, but soon turned into themes - So I Married an Ax Murderer = shephards pie & fairy cakes & whiskey; Godfather = lasagna, breadsticks, wine & canoli & expresso; etc. Unfortunately since, we have moved away and are "too" far away for such monthly rituals.

I would like to start that again with my newer friends, but it seems harder to make those connections as you get older. You develop work friends or colleagues, but never take that next step to get to know each other on a more intimate level. It seemed so much easier as a child - or maybe that's just wishful thinking. Or maybe it's because we act differently at work than we really are. We are afraid to leave ourselves open to others fearing rejection, condemnation, or riducule.

I'm just tired of being unsure and apprehensive so I am just placing my friendship and invitations out there. If it gets accepted, GREAT, if not, what do I have to lose? I'll still have a fabulous dinner, even if I have to share it with my dogs.

Down

I hate it when my feelings revolt on me. I have every reason to be encouraged. My students did great today - we have a very productive & uplifting class. Received several kudos from faculty that my musical was an amazing success. A colleague shared feedback from a mutual student about how my class today impacted her. Spent team building time with another group of students after school that went great....

Yet I have this tightness in my chest and deflation of spirit that I can't explain. I have no reason to be feeling this way. Sprng can really hang you up the most...

Perspective

Easter service today was great and very uplifting. There were bright colored banners for everyone to wave, the service looked so bright and festive. It's always nice when people actually seem happy to be where they are, especially when they have chosen to be there. But I guess it all has to do with perspective. I feel I'm getting better at that each day with each new task. I've prepared my students as well as I could with my "tools" this year and it will be good. Will they be better next year, of course, because I will. But I've got to work with the tools I have now and not think "what if." 

I've decided to try adding pictures, so these are ones that always make me take deep breaths and breathe...

Rambling thoughts

My life this year has been an interesting series of echoing thoughts and ideas - at times in a very hitchcock way. Another blog  sparked one of those tangents (and I'm probably going to ramble, but I hope I get some point out.)

It seems that their is a collective moment for change. My students seem more aware of the worlds situation and have sparked conversations & observations that I have not seen from middle schoolers in a while. There is an abnormal amount of personal gardens that have sprung up in my simple commute from work to home. Even my colleagues has seemed to make a collective shift for the positive. Our climate is much more positive than just 3 years ago - even parents & community members that stop by for a visit have remarked on the environment. I have seen people take ownership in situations instead of feeling hopeless and blaming others.

Someone reminded me that 'like attracts like'. Maybe we just got enough people that had the same view and were willing to step up and make the change. I witnessed the same shift at my university 6 years ago as, strangely enough, several tenure teachers left and "new blood" came in - the philosophy of the new professors was completely different and took the department in an entirely new direction than before. 

We could be on the verge of witnessing a paradigm shift in thinking - it's definitely coming from the top, but it looks like 'simple folk' have started it as well (or it's more noticeable because of our connectivity). It reminds me of a passage that talked about the acquisition of knowledge and how sometimes the fundamental thought begins not with one but universally in many places at once - like ripples in a pond - we're all connected whether we realize it or not. 

I believe we come across the people we need when we need them - whether it's for a minute or a lifetime, but the lasting effects on our conscienceness is permanent and life altering. Like I said before - I've asked for help this year & have realize that my requests have been answered, just not in the manner I expected. It's been given to me through others - so thanks, you were probably a part of that without even knowing.

So, again as I said at the beginning, I'm new at this, but in the true spirit of experimentation, I've done research. I've been looking at other entries from people around the world and I am by no way ready to be as verbose as some individuals, but I'll give it the old college try...

My thoughts are leaning toward blessings and friends. I have been asking for help this year, as I previously mentioned, and as a result, great people have been thrust into my path. I'm actually establishing some new, possibly long term friends. Though at times, it feels like starting a romantic relationship. Since I overanalyze everything anyway, I have the paranoia that I'm trying too hard or imposing on their time. I just want people to chat with or random hanging around with. Most of my friends that I did that with have moved too far away to make that possible. I do like my alone time, but having those people who want you around enough to include you, but miss you when you're not there or notice when something is wrong, have almost disappeared from my immediate spectrum. Somedays it's gotten to the point that I just want comfort...physical closeness to another human being. Slowly true friends are making a return and that's nice. I don't want to be a woman who lives only vicariously through my books or my students. I just wish I knew that I wasn't imposing without having to come out and ask......

It's amazing the difference a day makes. So now, I am supported by my principal, my students are doing well, my mental crisis makes sense and everything seem right as rain... hmmm... 

Background: grew up as the middle child of 3. Always had an inquisitive nature and like observing things, other, and asking questions. I read everything I could get my hands on, even things that were beyond my level of true comprehension at the time. I was always respectful of my parents, even though I disagreed with them and would try to convince them of my point of view instead of fighting or throwing tantrums.

I grew up in a small town, same campus for K-12. We knew everyone, which is probably why I grew up not thinking I was attractive - which probably turned out well, cause I either might have gotten in some trouble or turned out full of myself.

I decided to major in music sometime during my high school years, though if you had asked me what teacher influenced me the most it would have been my chemistry or government teacher. My parents weren't even aware of my decision until I had already applied.

My growing up years were free from major conflict or drama, especially after I hear what all my friends have gone through growing up. We did have the financial issues of adults trying to create a new life for themselves. But I knew my parents loved me and supported me, even though they could not do so financially. They kind of fixed the failings they had in their childhood through us. 

As my friends put it, I am the example to my students of what the life of their children could be if they work hard...

the beginning

I'm sure this is how most start... I am new to this but have been trying to branch out in different directions and figured I'd give this a try.

I have noticed that I experience phases in my life that aren't directly linked to any specific event or season. I am a teacher, so I tend to notice trends and times of year, but I will experience bouts of insomnia for random months where although I'm tired, I'll stay up till 2AM even on a school night - sometimes being productive, sometimes just playing. This may be the product of such an episode, but we'll see. 

Some past information is that I have recently begun to find myself - even though I didn't know I was lost... I always thought I had a firm grasp of my desires and path. I was even look forward to birthdays, which is against 'girl code', and had no problem with my age. I've had older female friends tell me turning 30 was great - you hit a level of understand and things made sense - the silly 'distractions' or indecision of the previous years melted away - or that's at least how it came across. And for the most part, the first year was. And now, within the past month, it's a roller coaster of emotions. 

However, looking on other blogs, I ran across these lyrics 

"Sometimes that mountain y0u've been climbing is just a grain of sand,

And what you've been out there searching for forever, is in your hands."

Yes, the motto of this year has been themes or patterns or maybe even deja vu - most things I encounter, are repeated blatantly many times throughout my week. Perhaps the universe is trying to teach me something and I'm just not paying attention - hopefully I figure it out before the anvil has to drop on me.